I want to be the kind of mother who finds sweetness in servitude... but, alas, I am not. No matter how much I try to sweeten it up, the drudgery of housework, chores and routine just gets to me every single time.
Recently I've realised that this might actually be more of a problem than I think it is.
I've always known that an easygoing friendship with mess is critical when you're a mum of three. I'm an organised, mostly tidy sort of person but I've always had a reasonably high tolerance for disarray (you should see my car!) because I really don't like cleaning up very much.
All fine, you say. We're all a bit like that.
Well, lately I've found myself aborting family moments because I am already loathing the thought of cleaning up afterwards before life even happens.
No, you can't get the paints out.
No, I'm not getting you a kit with 1000 beads for your birthday.
No, you can't add water to the dirt.
No, you're not getting rice for dinner.
It's terrible! Where is my sweetness in servitude when I need it? Why can't I relish the paints and the beads and the mud and the rice and then feel great about cleaning up afterwards because I allowed my family good times and good meals? Can't I put their needs first and worry about my own, er, cleaning issues later? Do I need to just grow up or something?
Why aren't I feeling joy in serving my beloved family?
What the hell is wrong with me?
Questions!
Questions!
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42 comments:
I think getting a cleaner would be an excellent life hack for you. It would certainly enhance the quality & quantity of your family life.
x
I have a love/hate relationship with painting & playdough, because even tho it entertains my kids, boy is it messy to clean up afterwards.
But sometimes, mess is a necessary evil, you know?
Welcome back from your holiday. :)
In anything we do if you do it often it gets repetitive.
I sometimes dance when I do the housework it helps me.
Thanks Jodie - we spent a week at a family friendly 'resort' and it was terrific. Dullsville blogging material, really, but that's the best bit about it! x
Hi Maxabella..I truly think that you are just expressing a need for a break from going from one mess to another. Everybody needs space and time between messes or anything for that matter or else the stress of one continual mess becomes depressing and disheartening. Alternatives are to train the mess makers more so that the clean up is a lot quicker or to negotiate some time between mess making..I suggest both should be worked on. What do you think?
There is no moral value in cleaning or tidying - they are activities without any attached "good" or "bad". Like knitting, or skateboarding. Most people self-regulate because they want to avoid what they consider unacceptable squalor. But, really, it doesn't matter.
I meant to also say, slightly more usefully, that I bought a big piece of that vinyl table covering from Spotlight and it goes on the floor for painting and playdough - then straight in the washing machine.
I don't like it at all - Housework, that is ;) It's partly to do with it feeling constantly pointless, but mostly it just doesn't feel like me. I often think I need to work on valuing that service part of the 'mum and wife' gig, instead of thinking of all the other stuff I'd rather spend time on, but there's no point adding to the mother guilt by wishing I felt differently. So I just try to figure out what can help, if there's anything practical to do, and plod through the rest, relaxing the standards every now and then and picking just one day a week to catch up.
And when it comes to messy activities, I do have to internally stop the 'no, it's messy' (at least some of the time, sometimes the mess factor wins) and let it go for the sake of childish joy. But I do tell them they have to clean it up before moving on to anything else. Granted, it's not exactly my standard of cleaning up, and I'll have to do it again afterwards, but it's the precedent for them that matters, LOL.
I am very similar. I haven't gotten to the stage that I don't do things because they will be messy yet. I see it not too far away in my distant future.
When I feel like I'm doing something I shouldn't (like stopping my kids having fun because I don't want to clean up afterwards, say) I start to challenge myself to fix it.
Kind of like a race against myself.
Very motivating.
And self assuring, too.
I CAN do it!
Right, random comment over.
I think we all go through this on and off phase. I know I cringe when messy activities are brought up and have been known to "not know" where certain things are because I dread the clean up afterwards.
Sometimes I'm like 'yeah whatever as long as you're leaving me alone and there isn't any blood it's all good' other times i'm jumping on them for EVERYTHING.
Use this mood as a time to encourage your kids to do other things that are less messy and they may not do as often.
Rice and my Little Bit kills me, once a week more than enough for that mess, I bought her a dust buster for her second birthday, she is so messy at dinner time!!
From all of my impressions of you as a 'virtual Mum', you're fantastic!
So what if it's a big no to the hundreds-o'-beads birthday presents, I don't see that as sulking from servitude, I see that as sensible & showing insight :)
Mess gets to me too. It really does. I lose things, forget things, & function 50% less to what I can when I'm living in a cleaner house :)
And when I'm functioning better, I think that's living :)
Ah huh, I am hearing you....some days I feel like I am saying NO to everything also, without even realising it but come on, really who invented those beado things - obviously not a parent...I just try to keep in mind that one day I will want this time back.
Okay, ill begin by saying youve already got your dose of great advice from all of the above especially Cathy@home with the dancing, ive done that and used to view it as a workout to boot.
Now for the idiotic.
My kids ate outside alot, or a makeshift picnic inside on a blanket(but I was doing it to save work)
dinner in a bowl was a regular thing. Thats one bowl for all of us, the Mr wasnt home for all of this, mind you. And then there was eating in the bath, my favourite, x
House work is a thankless, repetitive, constant job which is so tiring. As for kids making a mess, I know it's hard, but I try to let them do as much creative stuff as possible, but it does mean I have to let the washing go, or sweeping, or folding, or dusting, or wIping, or mopping, or all the other million jobs that need to be done, cause we are not wonder women and we know what's more important. But some days it's Just gotta be a no, cause man it's all tiring......
Nothing wrong with you either.... I often feel the same.
House work sucks balls. fact. Painting is awesome, especially when done outside. But rice, don't even get me started on the rice.
xo em
p.s Maybe some watercolour disks/towers ($16 at art shop) might be good- no washing up.
p.p.s can I come and paint too?
not sure if your babes are still in a high chair, but I used to vacuum my boys when they had finished eating - I know it sounds crazy, but really - there was crap everywhere!
I have been simplifying how much stuff we have, so there is less to have to clean up. Still, I make my kids pack up after themselves (the youngest is now 6) - but yep, as they were younger I went a tad nuts, some days were tv days, just so I could keep some sanity.
Sounds like you are needing some head space Lovely xx
When someone gives my kids a paint set, or a play dough set, I am gracious at the time. But then I return the favor with one of those 1000 beads sets. Xxx
Oh this post and comment thread is therapy for me. There are other neat freaks out there! There are other mess avoiders out there! Others vacuum their children! (cop that hubby... I am not a freak!)
I have started to let go though. I now vacuum only once a day and mop every other day and I am seriously thinking about letting them paint... outside... on the grass... nude... and with the hose on standby.
Bron, I'm hearing you. And there's nothing wrong with preserving yourself every now and then. Especially when you're the type of person who does actually do the mess for the sake of the memories on a regular basis.
I blame it on the time of year. Tonight after their baths, the lads went back out into the sandpit. Lovely that they can do that (thanks for daylight savings), but not so grateful when they throw sand all over each other's hair.
*Groan*
See? I'm struggling too. xx
Ooo Maxabella I just recently had a mad moment where I almost decided not to invite children to a party at our house because I was worried they would wreck my precious garden.
Luckily I came to my senses. The children are invited!
Welcome home!!!!
I have this thing too. No paints inside - only outside. And I still shriek as I step on a random bead that is embedded and hidden in the rug - result of a heap of beads that my daughter dropped oh a few weeks ago now...this despite vacuuming, beating the darmn huge rug outside - still, beads lurk waiting to surprise tender soles!
And outside we go!!!
I'm all for play doh, paint, collage, scissor practice, water play, paper friggin mache - outdoors.
Just another reason I'm a Summer girl all the way.
:-)
P.S. I will not, not ever, get a sandpit for selfish Mama-don't-wanna-clean-it reasons.
Well the answer is - because sometimes you get so bored of cleaning up everyone else's mess just so that they can put it all there again! And because after a few grumps you no doubt get the guilts and let them do play doh and paint all day!
Ha great timing, my post tonight is featuring a good ol mud pie. I even did painting last week, TWICE, partly as I had the guilts that the poor almost 3 yo has never painted at home as we are just too busy. I hate the rice too, with a passion- I think a pet dog is the best solution for that one. Our cat will deal with chunks of meat though. I mainly get my cranky pants on when the cleaning up of the mess lasts at least 5 times longer than the duration of making the mess. melx
I think its because servitude kind of sucks.
Servitude has it's limits. To be in service to three lovely wonderful children all day long is kind of enough service, thank you!
So let the cleaning and such can take a back seat to the service Motherhood which, while it's hard, is also very rewarding, sometimes you even get hugs.
I never felt the same satisfaction from a clean floor, much to my husband's dismay.
I don't think there is anything wrong with you at all. Sometimes, it is just too much, thinking about more mess, more cleaning to do. I'm trying to find a level of "controlled" mess that works for all of us.
I don't think there's anything wrong with you. I hate the clean up with a passion and often abort plans just to avoid it. However, my kid goes to a preschool where the mess and play is encouraged every day, so she gets to do it there and my house stays clean. That's one of the reasons we choose the school we did. Oh, and I also insist that everything gets picked up as soon as the kids are done playing with it, and if it can't happen right then, they do it before they go to bed. It works for me, and while I admire the people that find gratitude in serving I've accepted that is NOT me.
I think we all have these moments where we try to short circuit the mess/problem before it occurs. But it just leads to more grumpiness.
I like to be able to say when the mess can and can't occur with crafting, or painting. We don't do these things everyday, but when we do the boys appreciate that it's special and try to keep the mess down. I also try to rope everyone into the cleaning up, Mr 5 on the sponge, Mr 3 rinsing brushes at the sink, etc. Doesn't always work, but what can you do?
I think your kids would old enough to help with the clean up after messy play. They are also old enough to fold their own clothes once they have been sorted into a pile and can put them away. They can help with other kinds of things too like sweeping floors, dusting, tidying toys and books. It might take a little while to show them how to do these things but the effort will be worth it and you won't feel like you are doing everything.
As soon as my girls were old enough, I had them making their own school lunches the night before school. Call me a tough mother, I don't care. It's taught my kids that I'm not a slave, that having fun means you have to work for it.
My youngest daughter finishes highschool this week. She knows that as soon as the pressure of study is over, she starts to do her own washing. Do I feel bad about that? Nope, I was working at 16 and doing my own washing and the washing of a family friend as payment for a lift to work. She will also be learning to cook so she can make dinner a few nights a week. My other daughter who is 21 cooks two nights a week.
You are a working mum and even though your kids are small, they need to know that you get tired and if they want to have fun, they have to help. It's never to early to start teaching your kids life skills such as being helpful, responsibility and organisation. O.K., I'll stop here as I think I'm sounding a bit too bossy. Sorry.
Anne xx
You know it's bad when you start adding up the meals cooked, washing put out and brought back in and numbers of times you've picked up towels from the floor. I'm up in the thousands for everything. I'm waiting for a pardon any day now.
If there's something wrong with you - there's something wrong with me.
I wrote a sort-of-similar post i titled Reminder
- and a very wise person made the comment - that if we shift our thinking for half an hour a day - and considered it to be a type of community service, then we're likely to feel differently about it. We wouldn't just not turn up to work or voluntary work or an appointment.
She didn't mean it in relation to general cleaning (.....there is just absolutely no way of making that ok!!!) - but in terms of the beads and the paint and the mud and oh My texta marks all over the walls and faces just as we are about to walk out the door and go to a party....
Good advice - I'm still needing to push myself to implement it......
Beautiful Blog Miss, have an amazing day =)
-Mia xoxo
http://naturezfinest.blogspot.com/
nothing at all...I always kick myself when I accidentally cook rice on clean floor day, I offically hate anyone who buys my kids those 1000 bead kits...I let them mix the water and dirt but I hose them off outside...you are not alone :) Tatum xx
Ah, thanks gals. Nothing like blogging to make you feel a whole lot less mother guilt.
Reading through the comments here, I think my main problem is that we have 'free access' to all things art and craft at my place. I think that needs to change...! x
I enjoy housework, but it's my full time job, so i had better suck it up & enjoy it. All those beady, ricey, dirty, painty things, that is what Summer is for "OUTSIDE". Love Posie
Oh God that is so me. I'd love to be one of those Mum's filled with the joy and rosy attitude that mess doesn't matter. Try as I may...nup. Me bad. I know.
You're not alone lovely! I just told my family NO about a project tonight that involved paper mache. I could envision the mess and as it was 32 F today they wanted to do it in the kitchen.
You are definately not alone. I feel guilt when I say it but it isn't enough to let the kids go mental with a messy or time-consuming substance. It is like a well planned holiday when we do venture into such a crafty exploit.
Every now and then I decide to say "yes" but it usually involves a raised blood pressure, a gritting of teeth and a sunny day so that the mess is outside- cos I don't vacumn or Mr Sheen the back lawn ;)
oh we are all there with you Bron....i think my kids paint bottles are collecting dust in ther furtherest, highest point in the darkest cupboard somewhere they, hopefully, will never find. it sucks that as adults we get miserable about the afterwards, than relishing the memories we could create. yes, sometimes we have to suck it up! i try to put things on hold and let them have their fun, but it takes a lot of effort!
Don't worry - you are NOT alone! So I had to share this mess-free painting idea I just read on OhDeeDoh (or however you spell it) - genius! (hope this link works, I follow all my blogs through Bloglovin - great but it stuffs you up when posting links)
http://www.bloglovin.com/m/53647/334494154/a/0/aHR0cCUzQSUyRiUyRmZlZWRwcm94eS5nb29nbGUuY29tJTJGJTdFciUyRmFwYXJ0bWVudHRoZXJhcHklMkZvaGRlZWRvaCUyRiU3RTMlMkZuRWZUdHVfZnlYVSUyRjEwLWlkZWFzLWZyb20tcGludGVyZXN0LXRvLWtlZXAteW91ci1jaGlsZHJlbi1idXN5LTE2MTMxOA==
I have worked really hard to change my attitude towards serving my family. Having said that play dough and texta's and paints are banned from inside my house. The amount of times I have had to repaint a wall from excessive 'art work' drives me crazy. Wisdom in what you let your children create and when and where are lessons I have learned. My sweetness in service comes from keeping a house of order. I still let me children be creative but it is all done outside, supervised and planned. It may sound limiting but as a mother to seven cherubs - chaos happens way too easily. Thanks for the blog link. N x
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